Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something that we do not often practice, and can lead to unwanted habits. The most difficult part about forgiveness is that many do not often practice it, and this lack of practice drives our lack of inner healing.

The reason why forgiveness is so essential as spiritual practice is because we can let go of that feeling or situation that has held us back from moving forward in our lives. It is difficult because it means that we have to be in charge of our feelings and behaviors, and face them head-on.

“Forgiveness is about letting go,” said Brian Carreira, Assistant Direct for Retreats and Spiritual Life of Saint Peter’s University’s Campus Ministry.

He continued: “College is the time that you’re taking on responsibilities for yourselves in a particular way that you haven’t previously. Part of that is to stand and fall on your own, on your own two feet, on your own decisions. Being willing to make mistakes and willing to take your own risks. Which means you’re going to be in the territory of crossing boundaries”

Carreira delved in a great point for college students. We are thrown in a new playing field that we are completely unaware of, and we are expected to act as adults without having any experience. This is important for us because this means we are taking huge risks in lives that are nothing like the ones we have encountered before.

Moreover, when we are in college, we are already saying to ourselves that we are willing to be at risk and make mistakes. Now, this means that we have to own them and learn from these mistakes. This means we have to forgive ourselves when something goes wrong. “We have to put it aside, without letting it wrecking you,” said Carreira.

When it comes to relationships, including parents, friends, professors, and romantic relationships, forgiveness becomes a dynamic issue. Depending on who the situation involves, forgiveness can take various forms.

Here’s a personal example. My father and I have always had a rocky relationship. I never completely understood our dynamic, but we always butt heads on many situations. However, my father has given me the means to go to college, live at home on breaks, and provide me with means to go about my life. This left me “between a rock and a hard place,” as they say. After 3 years of college, no matter how much we disagree, he has always done his best to keep me alive, physically stable, and educated. For this I thank him. Also, since both my parents are still together, I knew that whenever I saw my mother, I always had to see my father.

In order to forgive him, I had to do major soul-searching and acknowledge what was holding me back from a possible better relationship, if there was one. My willingness to recognize the great thing in my father led me to my forgiving him eventually. I learned that he loves me unconditionally, and no matter how much we disagreed, I know he has been an inspiration in my life and he is proud of what I have accomplished so far. The things that I thought he hated about me for, where all illusions. I had made up in my mind that I was a terrible son who was awful to his father, when the fact is that we just have differing personalities that did not mix well in many situations. I also realized that his ways are unchangeable, and I cannot do anything about how he reacts to situations. Whatever the relationship dynamic was, he expressed enough lights for me to forgive him for our fights, so I now saw him in a better light. Today, although our relationship is not the best, being grateful for his kindness, brilliancy, and effort to be a better father to me has been enough for me to try to get along.

I want to point out that this relationship and process may not work for anyone. Hence, why Carreira noted in our interview “I actually don’t understand forgiveness.” And after explaining the story of my relationship with my father, I don’t either. Forgiveness can come in many forms.

I asked Carreira about the saying “forgive and forget.” Carreira responded that he does not believe in that saying. It may apply to some situations, but there may be situations in which you may forgive, but do not have to necessarily forget because the situation was that traumatizing or wrong.

There are many ways to go about forgiveness. Many times I have asked a Higher Power beyond my control to allow me to forgive a certain person or myself. Other times, it would take me multiple meditations to finally come to the conclusion that the situation has been holding me back from moving forward in life.

The first step is to acknowledge that there is someone who has hurt you, or you have hurt yourself. This step is probably the biggest step towards forgiveness. Meditating on a situation which you realize you have to forgive is a great way to begin the practice of healing. Another form is to ask something beyond us – be it God or your inner guide – to forgive this person or yourself through prayer. It is surprising, even to me, how effective the latter practice is.

Taken from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Also, being willing to tell the other person has hurt you, or that you have hurt yourself. Once you tell a friend that he or she has hurt you, it is amazing how that relationship can evolve. Oftentimes, the friend may not even realize that he or she has hurt you, and will continue on their merry way.

We must realize that we all have our boundaries, values and shadows. Once we begin to define these principles, we recognize how our relationships have been constructed and can progress.